12 weeks

Today has been a long hard day for Madison and I. I made the horrible decision to tempt fate and eat cream of chicken soup last night in a casserole. Since she's been awake today she has been screaming because of gas pain. She hasn't had gas this bad for a while. She has her daddy's sensitivity to dairy. I thought that she was ok it milk if it was cooked but I stand corrected. She also has gotten her first diaper rash today. I think her poo is just acidic and is hurting her belly in more ways than one...

This week is going to be and extremely difficult week for me. I'm going back to work on Thursday which I'm not extremely happy about which is why I haven't spoken about it until now. I have been fighting with my work extremely hard for three plus weeks about this point. The only reason why I am going back to work because I had such a horrible gut wrenching prompting it nearly made me sick one day. I've been ignoring the feeling that I would be needing to go back to work since I was pregnant. It was like an annoying fly in the room, you swat at it and it leaves but it always returns. Well I talked to Ryan about it cryin g because I hated the thought of it so badly but this peace fell over me so we knew it was right. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that it's going to be Ryan with her and no body else. I'm worried about how she'll handle it when she just wants me and I'm not going to be there... I'm only scheduled for 13.5 hours next week which is two days which is a blessing. I'm only going back for the insurance so I don't want a whole lot of hours even tho I'm supposed to have 20.

Madison is cuurently in love with her fists. She almost always has one or both of them in her mouth. She's getting slobber all over the place. She slept in her bed for six hours straight the other night which was a miracle. She now tends to sleep in her own bed but not for that long of a stretch. She is my love and I cant say that enough. Even with today if her crying hysterically and not wanting to be put down I cherish every moment I have with her. She can cover me in poop and puke all at once (which she did the other morning) and I love it. I remember the pain of not being able to have a child and the horrible hole that was in my heart with out her and she can pretty much throw anything at me and I will gladly take it. I might get frustrated every now and then but she is worth every moment.

I have discovered I am a lot more emotional than I have ever been before. I cry extremely easily and feel emotions a lot stronger. I wasn't even this easy to make cry when I was pregnant...

After my friend Wendy made me reuseable homemade nursing pads I finally feel like I'm healing better. I almost feel 95% better. I think the disposable pads were just irritating everything and preventing me to completly heal.

Also.. this is my 100th entry